Oliver S. Berryhill Blogs: {#TransparentTuesday} It’s 2018, bitches.

“I could never wear that though,”

my client Amelia said quickly, about a dress she mentioned really loving and wanting to buy.

“Why not?” I asked.

Amelia launched into a well-practiced list of what was wrong with her body that kept her from being able to wear this item of clothing– her torso was too short, her hips dip in at the sides, her butt was flat, she had cellulite, etc.

I listened, but then pointed out that none of those were actual reasons she couldn’t wear the dress. They were just fearful observations about how what people might see about her, if she did.

After a long moment, Amelia replied “Then I guess I can’t wear it because I’d be too uncomfortable. I’d spend all night worrying about how I looked in it.”

This conversation represents a very common (false) belief out there, that in order to do something, we must already be comfortable doing it.

As if discomfort and fear represent actual limitations to what we’re capable of, and we can’t take action until we stop feeling them.

Nothing could be further from the truth. As Mark twain once said, “Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it.”

This is an important distinction because, as a woman in today’s body-shaming culture, it can be absolutely terrifying to get dressed, do what you want to do, and live your damn life.

There are endless rules to be followed: hide your flaws, dress for your body type, look “age-appropriate” but also look as young as possible, and only wear things that are “flattering,” which is a secret woman-code for “things that make you look thin.”

The rules are literally infinite. You can’t wear shorts if you have thick thighs. You can’t wear a bikini if you’re fat. You have to cover up your skin if it’s not perfect. You have to relax/blowdry your hair or it’s not professional. You can’t wear a tank top if you have flabby arms.

But what are these rules really about? They’re certainly not about helping someone live her best life! No.

At their core, these rules are all about helping someone avoid feeling fear, shame, embarrassment, or discomfort

Now, there is some very real truth here. If you have a certain body size or shape, and you dress a certain kind of way, some people might shame you, and you might experience some of those feelings.

This shaming risk goes doubly for POC, disabled people, LGBTQ individuals, and anyone who doesn’t conform to a gender norms. After all, everyone in our society has been brainwashed by the same damn rules.

But that doesn’t mean you have to follow those rules.

Let me say that again.

Avoiding feelings (like discomfort, fear, shame, or embarrassment) is not a valid reason to do– or not do– anything.

Those feelings are uncomfortable, yes. They can even be wildly painful. But they are not bad, and they’re not dangerous, and the more you break the “rules” and face them, the less scary they become.

When it comes to seeing change and moving toward a freer and more self-loving world, we need more people who are willing to face their fears and handle the discomfort of taking action that scares the piss out of them.

We need more women bucking the endless lists of “I have to…” and “I can’t…” and just showing up as their gloriously authentic selves, whichever way they damn please, despite being afraid or uncomfortable.

After all, living a “safe” life doesn’t work anyway– you might avoid major fear and discomfort by following all the rules, but you also avoid major joy, pleasure, and fulfillment.

The big, juicy, authentic life you were meant for is on the other side of your comfort zone, mama.

We don’t need more willpower or discipline in 2018.
We don’t even need more self-acceptance and self-love.
What we need is more fucking courage.

Why?

Because as a woman today, accepting yourself is an act of fucking rebellion.

Loving yourself means bucking the oppressive narrative that there is something wrong with you, and that you’re unworthy.

Showing up exactly the way you are, without attempting to fix or change yourself, is a massive act of courage.

Luckily, courage gets easier with practice– the more fears you face, the braver you get.

So let’s make 2018 the year of taking courageous action despite the fact that we’re terrified.

Let’s make 2018 the year that we stop letting discomfort be a reason to do (or not do) literally anything.

Get uncomfortable, my darlings. The more uncomfortable the better.

What haven’t you let yourself do yet because it makes you too uncomfortable?

Make it your goal this year to go do that thing.

Tell your boss he’s making you uncomfortable.
Go barefaced to work.
Refuse to diet.
Say no to stuff you don’t want to do.
Start the business or blog you’ve been dreaming of.
Wear the damn dress.

Not because you’re finally ready and comfortable doing these things, but because you’re committed to practicing courage.

I’ll be right here with you, facing my fears and practicing courage right along with you, of course.

Because women (and gender non-conforming people!) will not be be told what we can and cannot do, and we won’t let a sexist, racist, body-shaming society control us.

Not anymore.

It’s 2018, bitches.